SQUIRREL RAPE IS NO LAUGHING MATTER!

Did you know that 1 out of 5 people will experience squirrel rape on their lifetime?

Squirrel rape is no laughing matter, but THE GREAT OUTDOORSMAN is here to help with these 5 tips on avoiding squirrel rape.

1. Always wear a helmet when you leave the house.

2. Never have direct eye contact with a squirrel.

3. Always stuff something up your ass before you leave the house, the bigger the better ( items up your ass can help block the penetration of squirrel dong).

4. Stay sharp.

5. Cut down all the trees in your yard.

 

  • PQG 1991

    Too late… I’m afraid I’m the one out of a group of 5 people that has experienced that traumatic experience. I wish I had learnt of this a few years ago T_T

    • Bulgingsnake

      Hang on there buddy, THE GREAT OUTDOORSMAN is here for you. Send me your debit card information so I can help.

      • PQG 1991

        xxxx-xxxx-xxxx-xxxx. Password yyyy. The name on the debit card is Definitely A. Realperson and security code is zzz. There you have it my debit card info, I know it’s peculiar to have letters instead of numbers but it will definitely work. I’ve put my life earnings there so please don’t take too much

      • Bulgingsnake

        I always take the right amount. Nothing less, nothing more.

  • holybagpipes

    They mostly come at night. Mostly.

    • Bulgingsnake

      They come once they stick it in, night has nothing to do with it!

      • holybagpipes

        It’s terrifying to know that they use buttholes as a nut hoarding ground.

      • Bulgingsnake

        Yes, but only after they have killed their victim

      • holybagpipes

        I should stop reading these scary facts before getting wasted big time.

      • Bulgingsnake

        Big time!

    • mikezippy

      That’s it, man. Game over, man. Game over!

      • holybagpipes

        They’re animals man!

      • mikezippy

        Look, man. I only need to know one thing: where they are.

      • holybagpipes

        You still don’t understand what you’re dealing with, do you? The perfect organism. Its structural perfection is matched only by its hostility.

      • mikezippy

        I say we take off and nuke the entire site from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.

  • mikezippy

    I’m not laughing about it. It’s a serious thing. Especially with all the squirrels I hear chirping in my backyard…..they are up to no good I tell you!

  • Autumn
    • holybagpipes

      Gahhh! Stop giving them ideas!!!

      • Autumn

        it could use saran wrap tho..

      • Bulgingsnake

        This website needs a surly female that is heavily medicated. Are you up for the job?

      • Autumn

        sure I’m sending your accountants my address for the xan payments I’ll get medicated right away

      • Bulgingsnake

        DON’T YOU LIE TO ME WOMAN!

      • Autumn

        what do you need?

      • Bulgingsnake

        What’s going on?

      • Autumn

        i’m friendly as hell..surly?? no way. slutty..i can do that.

      • Bulgingsnake

        Now we’re talking

      • holybagpipes

        Really? Well at least the little guy won’t suffer…. NOT!

      • Bulgingsnake

        People don’t say “not” anymore you big goober!

      • holybagpipes
      • Bulgingsnake

        You blew it bro

      • holybagpipes

        Tingly.

  • thereforeiam

    I’m beginning to think that this site has nothing to do with the outdoors.

  • thereforeiam

    Do I gotta get rid of palm trees too. The little bastards laugh at me from palm trees.