I woke up this morning balls-deep inside a dead horse. Didn’t even glove-up. Then I burned my eggs and stubbed my toe off the fridge.
I tried to take a beer-sh*t at 11am, but the toilet in work looked like an Auschwitz out-house, so I just went in my pants and blamed it some chick in work who was jam-ragging and complaining about her cramps. Works every time!
The rest of the day was a horrifying cake of adversity; iced with disappointment, impotence and failure. I punted a small kitten into the local canal for a bet, then I bit the head off a swan and tried to use it as a sex-implement on my own mother.
I ate tortilla chips for dinner and shame-bated to Rick Moranis.