How to: Slam Dance

March 2016-  Crowbar concert 

Myself and a friend made the several hour trip north to see one of our favorite bands, the sludge lords, Crowbar.  They had not played anywhere close to me in 15 years. I wasn’t missing this one. When we arrived at the venue, we were happy to see it was not the usual shit hole that I see bands play at. They had an actual toilet and not just a piss trough. We noticed the opening band was a straightedge band from the area. These weren’t the skinny vegan SxE kids. They had huge muscles and face tattoos. We hung at the bar and got lubed up until it was Crowbars turn to play. We made our way toward the stage and staked out a spot near the middle. I noticed the SxE guys all standing against the wall, wearing track suits, stretching and drinking water. This seemed odd. As soon as the first notes hit, they sprung into action. Off came the warm up jackets and out came the spin kicks! God damnit! Pit ninjas! I watched these guys run in the pit, do their karate routine, then go back to the wall. This happened over and over again. They bullied everyone away from the stage. It was ridiculous. To show them how ridiculous it was I thought I better get in there and show them my moves​

That’s right. Jazz hands. I got in the middle and did a whole routine. They let me have my fun the first time. But when I went in for round two, I was really going hard, jazzing away to the metal, they had enough. I was shoulder tackled around the waist. As we were flying through the air, I grabbed the ninja and spun him. We both crashed hard under the merch table. Security came and told them enough or your gone. I spent the rest of the show looking over my shoulder.  All said and done, Crowbar killed it and I had a good chuckle about the whole thing. Moral of the story? Don’t be a Total Corgan. This isn’t MMA and you are not a ninja. Please mosh like an adult.