Life’s Mysteries 

If you’re anything like me, you like to get fall down, blackout drunk all the time

Man what an awesome night that was. It’s the next day that isn’t as awesome 

You bang up your knees, elbows and face.  This leaves you with nasty scabs everywhere. 

Scabs aren’t totally bad. They give you something to pick at when you’re bored. But this got me thinking. What if your body produced another substance to clot your blood?  What would I choose as my bodies replacement for scabs?
My mind first goes to all the old standbys 


It’s good and sticky. That’s not a bad idea

Bacon does go good with everything. It would work like a greasy bandaid

I do love red flannel. This would make your elbows match your shirt. Which is an important fashion tip

That could work on those forehead and chin wounds you get from faceplants. I love chewing scabs. I love chewing gun….

Frosting may be the way to go. You could change it up with the seasons. 

Maybe the best idea would be bubble wrap. I know I’m just gunna get drunk and fall down again. 

How about you? If you could replace scabs with something else, what would it be TGO?

  • I fixed this problem by dressing up in road hockey goalie gear all the time. Wearing the mask keeps things anonymous if you want to rob someone.

  • mikezippy

    Unions don’t like scabs.

    • One Mat Gang

      I’m a proud member of the International Association of Mike Zippy Workers. Local 330

      • mikezippy


  • Mr. Perfect

    Onemat thanks for the blowjob you gave me when you were pissed drunk. Sorry about the rug burns on your knees.

    • One Mat Gang

      Battle wounds. It’s proof I’m doing good work.

    • DAMN IT!! I was trying to think how to word it but you got it. NICE! *thumbs up*

  • holybagpipes


    • One Mat Gang

      Damn. That’s usually my answer for everything. Good call

      • holybagpipes

        Thank you. Now if you’ll excuse there’s another doobie in a castle I gotta make love to.

  • Raythedevil

    Styrofoam, keep you from getting injured worse for a little while. Scabs can’t do that.