Best Amazon Product Reviews EVER: Haribo Gummy Bears

Full review:

So I bought a 5lb bag seeing if these little bastards held up to the Haribo sugar free bears and boy…they did not disappoint. Having 5 is the happy medium, you get to snack on some yummy treats without the worry of soiling yourself. Anything over 5…you’re on your own and may God be with you! Full Disclosure: I am writing this review on my toilet, where I have been off and on for the past 3 hours. Today at work, I decided that I would be a brave boy and push the limits of my body. So I ate roughly 25-30 of these cyanide pills.

2 Hours Later

What I can only describe as someone with a voodoo doll twisting me in half, hits me. “Ok boys, I’m headed home” I shout to my coworkers. I make it to my truck as the cramping intensifies. “Manageable” I say to myself, “I can surely make the 15 minute trip home.” Approximately 30 seconds later, I am sitting inside of a plastic shopping bag, completely convinced that I will not make it home.

I MADE IT!!! I gingerly walk into my home and up the stairs, all the while the sounds of a horribly executed exorcism are playing out in my twisted up gut. The second that I touch porcelain what can only be compared to dropping a Mentos into a 2 liter of Diet Coke followed. Unfortunately, this was just the beginning. Over the past 3 hours, the eruptions have been coming at a steady pace. My toilet/ass must be feeling what the Allied forces felt like against the German Blitzkrieg.

The horrendous sound of demons screaming in your gut, is like an alarm clock without the snooze button. Do not lollygag when you hear them chant, you just run. And this should go without saying, under NO CIRCUMSTANCES trust a fart! I cannot stress that last part enough. I hope that you heed my warnings and prepare properly. Treat this as if it were a blizzard and stock up on just TP, forget the milk unless you are lactose intolerant and want the ultimate flush.

All in all I give this product 5/5 stars and would recommend this to a friend. I am currently placing an order for another 5lb bag…