It’s 7:40 a.m. and I hear a familiar light knocking on our bedroom window. The homeless lady was back.
About a month ago there was one freezing cold morning that I decided to do a good deed which turned into a nightmare. I was walking my little guy to his bus stop and noticed the neighborhood homeless lady sleeping on the sidewalk. She scrambled to pack up her belongings when she realized the block was beginning to come to life and I felt sorry for her. It was a record breaking cold that previous night. On the way back from dropping off my little guy the woman stopped me to ramble about her regular local conspiracies and how the churches are after her because she didn’t want to sleep with Hispanics or blacks and that the cartel is the reason she can’t find her license or get a job driving a school bus. She claims she had bacterial brain damage. Maybe it’s true.. I don’t know, but I break from her conversation to announce I was going home and she asked if she could use our hose that’s in front of our house to brush her teeth. I said no. Telling her there was a leak… but said I’d bring her a bottle of water instead.
I go home. Make her a to go cup of coffee and pack a bag with cereal bars and bottled water. Then the baby and in headed back down the street and gave it to her. Good deed for the day done.
Fast forward a couple days and it’s late afternoon and Bulgingsnake just got home from work, we are relaxing on the couch talking about our day… his mom had just picked up Roachy to take him to the fair and have a sleepover when all of a sudden there is a light knocking on our door. Figuring Calvin must have forgotten his stuffed animal or something BS swings open the door… but it’s the homeless lady. He shoots me a look like “what the fuck do we do about this?”, decided to spare me… and shut the door and stood outside while she rambled to him about the cartel being after her and eventually asked if she could keep her stuff at our place, or if we have a cart laying around that we can give her (she had already been turned down when asked if she could live in our back yard… even though she showed us her laminated college diploma as proof she’s not insane.. We didn’t let her). Eventually B.S. broke free of the convo and got her to move along. He proceeded to lock the screened porch door.. Then lock the house door and finish cooking. We laughed about it until an hour later she was back. She tried the locked metal door… We don’t have a bell.. so she started knocking on our front bedroom window… what the fuck… We ignored her.
A few more days go by and after dropping Cali at his bus stop I hear knocking on my bedroom window again. I ignore it. Then another day… and another. Eventually we she’s coming by twice a day, every other day and knocking on our window.
Finally.. after her not taking the hint that we aren’t answering her I call the police department to find out if I can make a complaint and have the street patrolled. I was told there are too many homeless people in the area with no where to go. Unless I “engage” her and keep her on our property until the police arrive.. I can get her for trespassing.. otherwise they don’t care. I explained that when she’s not sleeping on the empty lot she’s probably squatting in the house that’s 2 corners down. He said it didn’t matter unless the home owner calls. No help.
Yesterday morning I hear the light knocking on our bedroom window for about 2 minutes… I wasn’t sure if I should call the police or just ignore her.. Then all of a sudden I heard water running. She’s turned on the hose in front of my house. I’m done. I whip open the front door, catching her off guard and yell, “I told you not to use our hose because we have a leak. Stop knocking on our fucking window all the damn time .. we have a baby you are waking up and driving me crazy. Get off my property before I have you busted for trespassing!” (As I’m fake dialing the police on my phone). She stumbled away from our hose and says, “I’m sorry, I though you were good christians!” I yelled back, “We are… how great of a Christian are you for abusing our kindness.. get off my property or the police will bust you for trespassing. Now.”
She threw her cart of stuff into the street and collects her belonging that were scattered on my lawn and I close and lock my front door.
I call BS to tell him the news. I totally took care of it! Nobody messes with Me!
Fast forward 7 hours. I’m getting little girl and I ready to head to pick up Cali from the bus stop…
I step outside the house, pull the stroller onto our screened in porch, lock the door… begin to push open the porch door when I notice a gigantic shit on the stoop that wasn’t there earlier and I knew what happened. That bitch shit on our entrance! What the fuck?! Who does this.. so many questions! Did she physically drop her pants on our cute little homemade sidewalk to dump this turd for Me? Did she bring it from somewhere else and relocate it? Did anyone see a homeless lady take a shit in front of my house? Why does it have so much hair in it? Maybe she found this ungodly large shit and thought… “that’ll show her who’s trespassing!” Either way… That was a huge shit that appeared randomly in a 20 minute time frame since I had been our with Abigail… I would have heard an animal large enough to take a poo of that size. It’s war!
I laugh about the ridiculousness of the day as I go to get my little guy from the school bus and warn him about the lady turd that I have to throw away when we get home.
Fast forward a half hour. I’m on the phone with BS who is in traffic on his way home and I hear a BANGING on our porch door! I panic… BS yells at me and says to look out our bedroom window to see who it is. “It’s a big homeless black man!” B.S. says to see what he wants but be careful.
I open the door and ask what’s up and he begs me to call 911.. he says he needs an ambulance. At first I think it’s a set up.. the crazy homeless lady sent this crazy homeless man to shoot me. BS is yelling in my ear and I notice this guy looks like he’s going to pass out on my sidewalk. I tell Bs I have to call 911 for him. And hang up. (In hindsight I should have told bs that everything was okay first as to not scare the shit out of him…. which I did). Still paranoid that he’s really been sent by the pooper I don’t unlock the screen door and I tell him I’ll call. I close and lock the front door while I dial and don’t open it until I’ve got help on the line, then grab my keys and lock the kids in the house while I’m on the porch (locked in) and he’s laying on my driveway now crying in pain. I relay info the dispatcher is asking me and tell her he’s very sick and he thinks he’s dying. She sends an ambulance. Meanwhile Bs is fighting traffic to rush home to us thinking we’ve got a homeless mob war going on and the kids and I are being attacked. A fire truck and ambulance show up for help 2 minutes before BS, who is now justifiably pissed at me, gets home. They load Kevin the big black homeless man… apparently NOT there to kill me.. into the ambulance and take him to the hospital.
…what in the actual fuck?
I wonder what I’ll find I’m our doorstep today?
No good deed goes unpunished fbt