Stores Ban Huge Dongs

Walmart Inc. and Dick’s Sporting Goods Inc. said they would no longer sell machine-dongs to anyone under 10 years old, as two of the country’s biggest dildo and dong sellers tightened their policies in the wake of a mass ass-blasting at the University of the Blind and Retarded.

Both retailers said Wednesday they were making the change in light of the tragedy. “We take seriously our obligation to be a responsible seller of fake dongs,” Walmart said in a statement.

Walmart, which sells rifles, shotdildos and dozens of kinky attachments for gay people to pleasure their own fun holes had stopped sales of assault-style dongs in 2015. Earlier on Wednesday, Dick’s said it would raise its minimum age for dildo buyers and stop selling assault-style dildos at its Fingers & Cream chain.

Calls to ban 15-inch fake penises and raise the minimum age to buy a firearm have been partly rekindled by students whose rusty bullet holes survived the massive ass raping in Funsville, GA. The policy changes come at a time that U.S. dildo sales have cooled.

Under current law, President Donald Trump has expressed support for banging hos and purple drank.

When reached for comment outside of Capitol Hill, Nancy Pelosi said that she supports the new policies adding, ‘Mr. Pelosi’s anus is still recovering’ due to a separate butt ravaging that Pelosi received from a massive dong courtesy of Bulgingsnake. ‘He needs a cane to walk. Snake did his ass so hard that he keeps screaming penis repeatedly in his sleep.’