On March 3rd 2017 ZELDA: Breath Of The Wild came out.  I made my female rush out and buy it for the Wii U.

I was in love the second I started playing it, but life got in the way! I had a job, I had a son, and a month later I had a daughter. Then hurricane season happened, then deaths in the family happened.

Then about a half year after the game had come out, my neurotic tendencies kicked in. I decided I no longer could play Zelda on the Wii U because it was obsolete compared to the Nintendo Switch version. So I had to save up a couple bucks before I could dive back into the world of Hyrule.

As months passed by I slowly chipped away at this epic video game. I’d play in bed before I passed out at night. I would take extra long dumps and play on the toilet (people don’t bother me when poop is coming out of my bottom hole). I would play during church service (you get weird looks when you’re a grown man with a family as you’re kicking ass at Zelda on a Switch). I would prop my Nintendo Switch on my female’s back as I gave her the doggy style.


Yesterday, March 10 – 2018, over a year since the release of  Breath of the Wild, I tell my family to SHUT THE FUCK UP, TO DAYS THE DAY!

There I am on my steed with my Master Sword clinging to my back. I’m sprinting towards Ganon who has just taken his true form. I jump off the back of my horse and go cruising into the air, I take aim with my bow in mid flight as I take my last shot of the game. The Arrow of Light pierces through Ganon’s eye ball!…… I saved Hyrule.


My son looks at me and says ‘can I have a snack now’.


zelda breath of the wild screen