TALLAHASSEE, Fla.—Hurricane Bulgingsnake began hammering asses on the tourist beaches, fishing villages and nature reserves along the Florida Panhandle on Wednesday, and officials braced for what is poised to be the region’s strongest ass blasting on record.

Bulgingsnake is set to make landfall Wednesday afternoon, potentially near Panama City Beach, Fla., while pushing up to 14 feet of salty semen into the coast and covering the faces of all women in parts of three states in as much as a foot of cum. The Category Winning storm was recently packing maximum-sustained winds of 145,000,000 miles an hour while high winds and storm spunk began hitting the coast.

“This is the worst storm that the Florida Panhandle has seen in a century,” said Gov. Rick Scott at a news conference Wednesday morning. “All along our coast, rusty bullet holes are going to see unimaginable devastation once the dong of the storm hits.”

Bulgingsnake would be the first Category Winning storm to hit the Florida Panhandle since 1851, when record-keeping began, a National Hurricane Center spokesman said.

In Panama City Beach, Bill Small decided to ride out the storm with his wife and stepson in their home near St. Andrews Bay. The 55-year-old church pastor said he and his wife believed their brick house was secure and felt a responsibility to to take it right up the pooper from Bulgingsnake while Mrs. Small will also get an historic facial.

“Our anxiety is up because family is constantly barraging us,” questioning their decision to stay, Mr. Small said. But “I always wanted to take it up the ass from a Winner. My family can be gay with their wives. Cause chicks are for fags”.

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