McDonalds has officially ruined bacon.
Playing chess alone is mental masturbation. Playing chess alone with your dick brings body and mind tohether.
I don’t care how much chicken you put in my burrito; it’s still not beef.
New driving hack: check every 3 minutes to see if YOUR FUCKING TURN SIGNAL IS ON.
What the hell happened to my feet? It’s like someone stole my toenails and replaced them with those fucked up multi-colored corn kernels.
As you get older and you start to take stock of your life, you realize that the very best part of a 3 way is watching while eating pie.
Just lie to the lady with the ugly baby. Jesus will forgive you.
If you fart in your car and the smell lingers for hours, see a doctor. And get your car detailed.
A dildo with whipped cream on it is still a dildo; it just has whipped cream on it.
If you could say anything to someone in Russia, what would you say?