What has Mike Pence been up to?

If you’re like me, you peruse the news with the disdain felt by a mental patient who is convinced they are pulling the wool over your eyes. I see stories made huge by the mainstream media, touting the democrats latest achievements in getting Donald Trump impeached, or at the very least, making sure everyone knows he’s had sex with a porn star. But rarely do I hear about our Vice President, Mike Pence.

No, Mr. President. I don’t want to play gay chicken right now.

Mike Pence is currently fighting terrorists in Venezuela (not literally, he’s a politician, not a soldier). He lifted sanctions on a General fighting the current President Nicolás Maduro, seen below crushing your head.


I didn’t even know specific people and businesses could be sanctioned. Hell, for years now we’ve been giving the bird to the entire county of North Korea, but to be fair, they kill off anyone who doesn’t support their leader.

North Korean leader Kim Jong Un meets supporters in this undated photo released by North Korea's Korean Central News Agency
We all support you. Please don’t kill us.

“Venezuela is a failed state,” Pence said. “And as history teaches, failed states know no boundaries. Drug traffickers, criminal gangs, terrorist groups seeking to destabilize the region and profit from the misery of the Venezuelan people every day. Also, they got all that fuckin oil… I mean, they desire democracy.”


In case you didn’t know, Venezuela just happens to have the largest oil reserve of any other country in the world, coupled with high inflation due to fluctuations in the market. That makes for a bunch of pissed off, hungry people. To be fair, Maduro has been using criminal gangs to enforce his way of thinking.

Specifically, VP Pence has pointed to the launching of a direct route between Tehran and Caracas by an airline that President Trump has listed as a terrorist organization (that’s why I fly Southwest).


Meanwhile, back at the ranch, VP Mike Pence is scheduled to visit a farm in rural Minnesota, and then a steel mill in St. Paul to support the President’s United States-Mexico-Canada trade agreement (USMCA) that would replace the North American Trade Agreement (NAFTA), which sounds like a processed cheese and an industrial caulk substitute all at once.

This isn’t the first time Pence has gone to bat for Trump’s policies, as he spearheaded the push for raising $5 billion for a border wall. The point I learned while looking into this silver fox is this; if President Trump is the mouth on your cock, Mike Pence is the sneaky finger that has made it’s way into your asshole.

Questions raised:

  1. Is Mike Pence following in the footsteps of former VP Dick Cheney, spouting off about weapons of mass destruction in order to enforce a regime change designed to garner access to oil?
  2. Does the fact that I referred to our VP as a silver fox make me gay, and, if so, do I get preferential parking?
  3. Should I bother with political commentary at all, or should I just go back on my meds?