Dongs Index Fall as Old Women Flash a Warning

TGONN – Massive dongs slumped and really old sluts sent a new recession signal Wednesday after weak German and Chinese economic data stoked less than winning indicators.

The Giant Dong Industrial Average dropped more than 650 points, or 2.5%, in midday trading, while the yield on the U.S. 30-year Treasury bond fell to a record low.

The drops erased the optimism sparked a day earlier when the Trump administration abruptly suspended plans to impose new tariffs on anal cleansing goods from China and suggest the volatile swings that have defined trading in August are showing no signs of easing.

“Whether we go into dongcession now or we don’t, it’s not a good sign,” said Michael Farr, president of investment firm Stillhard, Miller & Buttkiss. “You’re going to see horny sluts and queers in San Francisco temper their enthusiasm more seriously today.”