As you know, it’s hurricane season here in Florida where the Bulgingsnake family resides.
When you read the news, or follow your southern friends who are preparing before a storm they tend to tell you about how they are checking off their preparation list with items like gallons of water, canned food, snacks, batteries, candles, crank radios, sand bags, and gas. That’s not how we roll — handle it like a pro!
This is the BS Family’s Guide to Hurricane (un)Preparedness:
- This is the most IMPORTANT of all – NEVER, under any circumstance – tell Bulgingsnake about the hurricane. As far as he knows we are just getting heavy rain. I’m not sure if you know this but BS is a pain in the ass. He is also a worry-wort and a total hypochondriac. For example, when Hurricane Irma was headed our way he had to prioritize his list of shit to worry about and he absolutely can NOT freak out about more than one thing at a time so before we collected out little family and dog into our tiny car to start the evacuation trip out of state we had to make an emergency appointment at the only dermatologist office in the area that wasn’t closed for the storm so that BS could have a mole removed. He can’t be stressing about fucking moles while there is a hurricane on the loose!
In the event that you tell Bulge about the storm – prepare for endless verbal abuse.
- Most Floridians slowly collect hurricane supplies all year, but NOT THIS FAMILY! We prefer balls-to-the-wall winging-it action. The thrill of the panic! 2 days before the storm? We still have plenty of time to track down water, supplies and nonperishables. Sure… all the store shelves are empty of the good stuff but if you lower your standards – a lot – the Family Dollar down the street has some shit we can eat… if we can stomach it.
- In the event that we DO collect some supplies. Here is a run-down of what that looks like:
Food is anything that doesn’t spoil, that you ordinarily wouldn’t eat for a meal… like Takis, Cheetos, cookies and other shitty junk food. One lighter, a half can of bug spray, a couple rolls of TP and 3 old milk jugs full of tap water.
- This is FUCKING CRUCIAL – make sure you eat all the hurricane snacks before the storm makes it to your area so that you have to run out in the shittiest of weather to track down the only piece of shit store that is open so that you can pay $10 for a can of chunk light tuna that tastes like straight cat food. Ohh.. and Vienna sausage from 2001.
- Decide that you have ill prepared for the storm and decide to leave the state (cue dermatology trip story again). In the event that you choose to evacuate don’t forget to pack all the important stuff first .. and by important, I mean videogames. Because when you have two children, two pets and a fiancé.. clearly those are the most important things in the house. It helps if you have a collection that rivals the current stock in GameStop. This will make it fun to obsessively second guess the choices you have made in your SAVE pile. Pack these in plastic and fill up 90% of the trunk with this. That leaves approximately 1 square foot of space to put your families clothes, baby supplies, important papers – photos, special christmas ornaments and family heirlooms. Good, now that you’ve grabbed the essentials.. you are ready to sit in traffic for 2 days where you must start praying that you do not end up stranded on the side of the interstate weathering a major storm with your ass in your hand.
- Make sure you have funds available for evacuation emergencies. In our case during hurricane Irma this meant alcohol and fast food. We evacuated for the hurricane and all we got was this lousy cirrhosis of the liver… bummer. But for real… don’t pay any of your bills right before a hurricane, because if that shit blows down I don’t want to have paid for another 30 days rent on a shanty. See also, if the power is going to be out any.. fuck the electric company. Nope. I’ll pay you when we get back and everything is still standing.
- If you decide to stay home – which is what we are doing for Hurricane Dorian. Follow these simple instructions. Prepare last minute only after you know for sure that you are fucked. Currently we are located in the “buy beer and snacks” section of the state… but no one told the locals this because all the shelves have been picked clean and it’s hard to find gas. Listen bitches.. stay in your fucking lane. This isn’t our storm. We aren’t on the east coast staring directly into oblivion so put the 10 cases of water back Walter and stop buying up all the bread and milk.
FURTHERMORE, what the fuck. Why does everyone buy out all the milk in prep for something that will knock your god damn power out? You like wasting $40 on milk? Get the fuck out of here. What about all the normal people who have kids – toddlers, babies – who “need” milk every day… and by need, I mean, they’ll drive us batshit crazy if they go without it. Stay out of the cooler section you fucking toolbags.
- Literally EVERYONE is a damn meteorologist when a hurricane is coming. Here’s some facts… let this sink in.. NO. ONE. KNOWS. SHIT. The news is hyping up the storm all over the state regardless because we all flock to the stores who sponsor them with ads to fill up on useless shit. Ever consider that? Have you ever even looked at a noodle model? It’s so fucking vague. All they ever know is.. this giant storm is coming towards the US.. we don’t know where its going to go.. but its going to fuck shit up when it gets there. That’s it. But uncle Phil who can’t program his damn VCR by himself all of a sudden has a science degree. WING IT! That’s all you can do. WING IT.
- If you are in the center of the “cone”.. consider putting up some plywood… or if you are like us.. just umm.. tape them up.. YUP… DUCT TAPE. Tape a star pattern on all your windows so when they break it holds as many of the glass chunks as possible. Only do this as the storm is approaching your doorstep by the way. If you do it early you aren’t doing it right.
- Lastly, complain. Complain about the storm, the state, the food that you have left, the stuff that you didn’t get, the family that you chose to fuck or make.. You haven’t truly experienced a hurricane if you haven’t threatened your spouse with death. You need your relationship to be teetering on destroyed permanently in order to accomplish this. I’m talkin, kids in therapy, tears, and years of resentment.
That’s all folks! That’s how to handle a hurricane BS Family Style! One last thing to remember is when the storm is over you have to follow one of these rules. If you evacuated.. blame your partner for overreacting for the rest of their life. If you stayed, blame your partner for not preparing better AND no matter which you did… make it sound like it was no big deal on the internet. LEGEND STATUS.
How do you prepare for hurricanes or natural disasters near you?