This is my total spoiler review of Rambo: Last Blood. I’m going to tell you how it goes down.

John Rambo is a real interesting guy.  He grew up on his dad’s horse ranch in Arizona before he got drafted into the army. After his training he is shipped off to Vietnam where he became pretty good at killing. He becomes a Green Beret and goes on many missions before he eventually is captured and tortured as a P.O.W.. Eventually he gets free and is  discharged from the service.

Fast forward to  1981 where John decides to visit an old friend from Baker Team in Washington. Unfortunately his friend passed away making John the last survivor of the team. Rambo then wanders into the next town over called Hope. Since Rambo is a former service man the the local sheriff there didn’t take to kindly to him. What sheriff wouldn’t want to pick on a bad ass former military Green Beret?  They throw him in jail and harass him until he brakes free and steals a motorcycle. Before you know it he is at war with the local sheriff and eventually the national guard. His old  colonel buddy (how does colonel sound like it has an “R” but it doesn’t’)  shows up to end the war and gets him to surrender.  John would get sentenced to hard labor in prison.

John would hang out in prison for 4 years before his colonel buddy shows up once again and offers him a pardon if he will help out on another mission in Vietnam to rescue prisoners. Rambo blows a lot of shit up and rescues people and then gets left behind which pisses him off. John takes off and goes and lives in Thailand he is so pissed.

While in Thailand John’s colonel buddy shows up again. He asks him to help out on another mission…..this time in Afghanistan to help Al-Qaeda. John says no at first. But his colonel buddy gets captured by the Soviets and he decides to save him. While there Rambo takes on the Soviets saving his buddy and  rams a helicopter with a tank causing the Soviet Union to collapse.

Fast forward 20 years John is back in Thailand selling snakes and giving people boat rides. Some missionaries ask him to drop them off in Burma so they can give people some bibles. He drops them off and finds out the locals don’t like the missionaries. They end up being taken hostage. So John being the good Christian he is teams up with some people and helps rescue them.

After all that John finally decides to head home to visit the ranch he grew up on. Last Blood picks up here on this ranch.  He has been running the ranch close to 10 years since he was in Burma. In his spare time he likes digging tunnels underground for fun.While  running the ranch he also becomes a father figure to some girl there.  One day this girl decides she needs to find her real dad to ask him why he left her and her mom. John tells her its a bad idea. She of course goes anyways. While there her friend sells her to some local drug lords as a sex slave. John finds out and decides he needs to rescue her.

John the super bad ass Green Beret who takes on armies by himself finds out from this good friend of this girl who has her. Now a man trained in covert operations; a man who knows how to get shit done. How does he use these skills? He gets a gun and a knife and after kidnapping one of the drug lords henchman finds the drug lords house and goes there. His big plan? To just walk in there and ask for this girl back. So as good as this plan sounds….it doesn’t go so well. As he walks up he is surrounded by like 30 guys pretty quickly. The drug lord guy asks what he wants and John shows him the pic of the girl and asks for her back and then John then gets the shit kicked out of him. Lucky for him the drug lord guy is nice and decides to spare his life. They leave him on the ground and leave….lucky for him some investigative reporter is watching and saves him and takes him home and fixes him up.

John wakes 4 days later pissed and wants to find his girl. He finds a brothel and goes there killing everyone exactly like Joaquin Phoenix did in You Were Never Really Here. Lucky for him his girl is there but she is all drugged up. He grabs her and  starts heading home to Arizona with her in his truck. Well she doesn’t make it. She dies in the truck on the way back from all the drugs. She should have fucking listened to John. John gets back to Arizona and buries her. He then decides he will go back to wandering again because he  is done with the ranch life. But before he leaves he wants to booby trap his whole ranch and invite the drug people over for a party. So he spends a few weeks getting everything all ready. Then he goes back to Mexico to kill a bunch of the drug people to get their attention so they will come drop by his place. But this time he doesn’t just walk up to the place….he sneaks up and kills everyone. A skill he forgot how to use the first time he visited. John leaves a nice invitation to the party behind and heads home and waits.

Sure enough about 7 SUV’s show up. Now I don’t know about you…but if I was a drug guy and one of the SUVs my guys were in just blows about 15 feet into the air  and then a huge fire wall about half the length of a football field shoots across the ground in some pyrotechnical feet I would probably turn around and come back later. But not these drug guys. All I can say is thank god for those random tunnels John made underground in his spare time. John has fun blowing heads off…cutting limbs off…burning people…stabbing people. People die just about every horrific way you can think of. Its a party.  John even plays music for the drug guys while he kills them. During all the fun poor John does get hurt as he has his showdown with the last drug guy standing. He teases him on the radio before he finally finished him of with his arrows and literally rips the guys heart out. What does John do after all this? He goes and sits on his rocking chair on the porch of course.

All I can say is I can’t wait for the next Rambo movie in 10 years.