Uncle Steve’s Guide to the Impeachment

Spoiler for ThereforeIam who won’t read the article: It’s all political bullshit. Skip to the end and keep looking at gay porn.

Those of you that have been paying attention to me know that I do not like Donald Trump as a President of the United States. I probably don’t have to say it, because I always run my fucking mouth.


That being said, I have taken it upon myself to look at the documents made public in the Trump impeachment. Check them out if you wish, or don’t.



The Complaint

In the complaint, the whistle blower clearly states that they do not have first-hand information regarding most of what is in the complaint. To give this context, it would be similar to filing a complaint with your local police department because you heard your neighbor say the guy across the street was smoking weed in his house. This would not be enough for a warrant, and likely the police would not even visit the house (unless urged to by Joe Biden or Rudy Giuliani).


The complaint then goes on to point out that the transcript of the call had been “…loaded into a separate electronic system that is otherwise used to store and handle classified information of an especially sensitive nature.” This hints at a cover-up, but that was shot to shit after the call transcript (above) was released in late September.

The complaint continues with concerns ranging from U.S. Ambassadors telling Ukrainian leaders how to do what Trump wants, to trips Rudy Giuliani made to meet the new Ukrainian President. This sounds like standard stuff to me, and appears to be colored by bias in this document; however, it could totally be evidence of corruption… by people other than Donald Trump. The third section ends with a quote from the President to the press (clearly he was hiding something) stating that President Zelenskyy and President Putin will make a deal, and that Zelenskyy will be invited to the White House.


Then we get a section on what led up to the July 25th phone call. It starts with a Ukrainian prosecutor named Lutsenko doing a little whistle-blowing of his own, raging against some Ukrainian and U.S. officials. He called out the Head of the National Anticorruption Bureau of Ukraine Arten Sytnyk and Parliament Member Serhiy Leshehenko for interfering in the 2016 U.S. election, and collaborating with the DNC and the U.S. Embassy. He also fingered (lol) U.S. Ambassador Marie Yovanovitch for putting out a “do not prosecute” list, and preventing prosecutors from traveling to the U.S. to “deliver” their evidence about the 2016 election. He also alleges that Joe Biden pressured the former Ukrainian President to fire the former prosecutor to prevent a criminal probe into Burisma Holdings. Hunter Biden is on the board of Burisma. The State Department yanked (lol) Marie Yovanovitch due to the allegations. the complaint then goes full-on batshit liberal crazy, quoting Twitter, The New York Times, ABC, and The Hill, to form what I can only describe as a guilt quilt, showing that Giuliani has too much power and wants these investigations completed, that Trump said he would take foreign money, and that the Ukraine would not get any money unless they “played ball.” It stopped short of screaming “RACIST!”, which is a refreshing change.

It seems that Trump’s number one weapon to use against the foreign power is to simply not talk to them if they fuck up, and if he uses that weapon (like countless other Presidents and people in life do on a regularly un-judged basis) then he’s guilty of involving a foreign country in the election.

The Call

Trump starts off by congratulating Zelenskyy on his win. Then they small-talk/circle jerk each other about how great the other one is for overcoming adversity to sit in their lofty thrones (I wish I was making that shit up, but I’m not). This is basically the first 2 pages of the 5 page transcript, and at the end of page 2, Zelenskyy says he’s ready to buy more “Javelins” from the U.S. The very next thing to come out of Trump’s mouth is “I would like you to do us a favor…”

These are not the Javelins you are looking for.

Ok, here’s the deal. If I ask a woman (or a guy, don’t judge) for a BJ, and the next thing out of their mouth is “I want something,” it is generally understood that I won’t get said dong-sucking if I don’t comply (or re-up the coke supply). The first favor asked for by Trump is to find out about CrowdStrike, and a server held by one of Ukraine’s “wealthy people.” This has been debunked several times in the main-stream media as a conspiracy theory made up by Trump, yet they were mentioned in Muller’s report.

Zelenskyy then takes half a page to say “OK.”

Then Trump says “Cool, Bro. Say, what up with that prosecutor you fired? I heard he was dope AF, so that’s uncool. Ima have my boy, Giuliani call you. That bitch (former Ambassador) was super shady and hung out with thugs, so we got her ass out of there. Oh, BTW, Sleepy Joe Biden was mouthing off about how he stepped to your crew and got ya boy fired. What’s up with that?” [paraphrased]

At this point, the call ends, with Zelenskyy saying he doesn’t feel comfortable continuing the conversation, and that Trump should mind his own fucking business. Trump screams “FUCK YOU, YOU LITTLE BITCH!” and slams down the phone.



Zelenskyy says they’re investigating everything Trump wants, that the US Ambassador was indeed a bitch, that he’ll be more than happy to talk to anyone Trump wants him to talk to.

Trump then tells Zelenskyy that things will be looking up, and that he has “many Ukrainian friends…”

Zelenskyy then tells Trump that he also has many Ukrainian friends (DUH, you’re the fucking President of the Ukraine), and that the last time he was in the United States, he stayed at the Trump Tower (listen for the sounds of liberals collectively losing their shit). He goes on to talk about the recovering economy, Ukraine’s energy independence and how they are currently buying American oil.

Trump: “Sweet! hit me up the next time your in D.C.”

Zelenskyy: “Hells yeah! I’d like to party with you! We should totally hook up in Poland in September. Then we could compare airplanes. I hear your’s is shaped like a mushroom?”

Trump: “Yeah, whatever, Dude.”

Then Zelenskyy ends the call with a “bye-bye.” What a fucking nerd.

Uncle Steve’s Analysis


In my opinion, there is nothing inappropriate about the call. Trump never says anything about withholding aid, although it is being argued that even mentioning wanting a favor quantifies a “quid pro quo.” The call is far from perfect as Trump claims, but is generally harmless. The mention of the sale of weapons would automatically put this call into a classified section, I would guess, so goodbye cover-up allegations.

I think the Dems have been super pissed about Trump being President, and have been yakking about impeachment for the entire time he’s been in office. So far they haven’t found anything they deemed worthy of impeachment, and with the impending election, it’s shit-or-get-off-the-pot time.

Trump, now being a politician, wants the world to know his #1 competitor, Joe Biden, used his influence to not only stop an investigation but get a prosecutor fired.

Joe Biden, from a 2018 CFR appearance:

“And that is I’m desperately concerned about the backsliding on the part of Kiev in terms of corruption. They made—I mean, I’ll give you one concrete example. I was—not I, but it just happened to be that was the assignment I got. I got all the good ones. And so I got Ukraine. And I remember going over, convincing our team, our leaders to—convincing that we should be providing for loan guarantees. And I went over, I guess, the 12th, 13th time to Kiev. And I was supposed to announce that there was another billion-dollar loan guarantee. And I had gotten a commitment from Poroshenko and from Yatsenyuk that they would take action against the state prosecutor. And they didn’t.

So they said they had—they were walking out to a press conference. I said, nah, I’m not going to—or, we’re not going to give you the billion dollars. They said, you have no authority. You’re not the president. The president said—I said, call him.


I said, I’m telling you, you’re not getting the billion dollars. I said, you’re not getting the billion. I’m going to be leaving here in, I think it was about six hours. I looked at them and said: I’m leaving in six hours. If the prosecutor is not fired, you’re not getting the money. Well, son of a bitch. (Laughter.) He got fired. And they put in place someone who was solid at the time.

Well, there’s still—so they made some genuine substantial changes institutionally and with people. But one of the three institutions, there’s now some backsliding.”

This impeachment process doesn’t have the legs that the media would like it to. Prior to this, I didn’t know anything about Biden’s son, Ukrainian Prosecutors, or Zelenskyy’s shame regarding his airplane. Now, I know Hunter Biden was kicked out of the Navy for doing cocaine and is generally a fuck-up who rode daddy’s coattails to a $50K per month (yikes) job, and that daddy killed an investigation into that company by withholding billions in aid. Again, pretty standard political bullshit.

But what do I know?