Totally Legit Email from my Spam Folder

So I was looking for a new idea for a post, and I came across this email. The colors and asterisks are added by me.
We have an exciting job opportunity in the vacant job of Package Manager in our developing logistics enterprise. We offer a very lucrative base compensation package with other perks. We will also train you so that you be effective in your new post. We got your contact information from CareerBuilder and thought with your background, you’d be a critical inclusion to our team. Simply respond to this address and a member of our HR department will get back to you. Ignore this email if you are not in a position to join us at the moment.

Vacancy Title: Package Manager
Compensation: $800/week

This appointment is allotted merely for home-birds*. If you are might continuously* at home between 9am and to 5pm, that employment must be in your best interests.You are going to must to function* with bundles.
You shall must to accept parcels, repack mentioned & distribute them to the end obtainer*. The mentioned employment is hassle free & it is quite good suited for caretakers, retirees & others which otherwise function in their living place or are at home in daytime hours*.There will be no heavy parcels. Above all bundles accommodate baloney and apparel*.

All employment-related charges are on us.
To proceed for ours association you will possess a computer with online access, a mobile phone and ability to print required documents.

The sum of dollars you will be earning depends on the sum of bundles you are going to be handling *.
During the trial time people which are employed by us obtain up to $800/week.

If you are interested, please contact us via email.

P.S. To be able to start working, all ya’ll have to make is to stay at home from 9am to 5pm. You must meet this condition or, this employment is not for you*.

w*

*what the fuck is a home-bird? I haven’t seen anything about that on Bird Time.

*I am frequently might continuously at home between 9am and to 5pm, so that employment must be in my best interests

*The last time someone told me I was going to must to function with bundles, I was permanently banned from Circle K (just the one, I think).

*It’s all about the end obtainer with you, isn’t it?

*I hope the hassle free employment is less work than reading this fucking email. And I have yet to come across anyone who is not at home in their living place.

*Like Oscar Myer?

*Apparently adequate communication skills are not a requirement, or all y’all (or ya’ll) would have read this shit out loud before sending it.

*Just like living in a crack house, but with less drugs.

*Signed W. Too cool for a last name? Bitch, please.

It is worth noting at this time that I don’t have any association with CareerBuilder (ie. no ownership interest, no account, nor did my Dad “Joe Biden” me into a Chair position). What qualifications of mine that drew these poor, unsuspecting bastards to send me this gem, I do not know. I’m guessing they haven’t seen any of my Uncle Steve videos, though.

Do any of your above bundles accommodate baloney and/or apparel?