Fear & Loathing In The Sunshine State Episode 3: The Water Ritual, A Shark Attack, Plied With Liquor, Rancid Craziness & Dinner With A Land Tycoon

It was dawn on the fourth day when I opened my eyes and found Snake standing over me, grinning. He had nothing but a tackle vest on and his long glossy rod in his hand.

I knew right away what my morning entailed. It was time to fish.

We need to haul ass, dawn is imminent, Snake said in the car, foot to the floor, eyes bolted to the road. I’ve got a very special place lined up, holds a lot of history. Sacred Geometry, you understand? You’re gonna love it, man.

He tore carelessly down beaten dirt roads, through field after field of mangroves, and desecrated scrub land. Hog-tied to the passenger seat, I saw virgin landscapes, prime untouched Terra, and sights that human eyes were not fit to see.

It was Babylon, Atlantis, and Machu Pichu all rolled into one.

Finally he came to a halt at a small forest clearing, looking out onto the waters edge. Completely isolated and void of human existence. Before us was a gliding river of flawless silken glass; a physical impossibility right smack bang in front of our eyes.

Cartographers have never been able to properly map this place, he said, untying me. Did you know that? Technically this whole area doesn’t exist, at least as far as modern mankind is concerned.

There wasn’t so much as a hint of a lie in his voice.

They used to call this place Carcosa. It means “the first land”.

We waded out into the water, barely making a ripple on the surface. It was crotch-height at its deepest, lapping playfully off our nuts with each step. The water was warm and when I looked up I could see the beginning of the sun and the end of the moon sitting equidistant on their respective horizons.

We were in between time and realities. Dissected from existence.

This is where it all began for me, he said casting out. Everything. All my choices and actions stem from this single point and branch out. From here I manifest glory and horror in equal measure. I create lives, I destroy cities, and I bear witness to it all.

I said nothing. He reeled back, reset the bell, and casted out again.

What is it you want Uilick? Why are you here? He turned back and eyeballed me over the rim of his aviators. I looked him square in the eye. Just a good scoop mon frer, I threw back, no more, no less. The words clunked out my mouth like dead metal, and he gave me a sympathy grin, shaking his head.

Okay, man. You’re the boss.

Suddenly a dorsal fin broke the surface of the water, followed by a large brown mass of teeth, eyes and leathery skin. The shark lunged out sideways, sinking it’s bite into Snakes chest. Both him and the creature plunged chaotically into the water.

Splashing. Mayhem. Shouting. Blood in the water. Panic and Pandemonium.

McGee!!! He screamed at the top of his lungs, as the thrashed back and forth with the monster. The thing was vicious, a 7 footer at least, clearly desperate for a meal.

I was frozen in situ, and with a royal birds eye view of the whole affair. My first instinct was to flee; run to the car, speed the fuck out of dodge and never look back. Forget it all and play dumb.

The anus!!! Snake yelled desperately, gurgling bloody water. Go for the anus!!!

The shark sank it’s teeth in deeper, and Snake let out a gurgling scream. It was now or never. Finally, without any grace or technique, I grabbed the beasts tail, lifted it high as my arms would allow, and shoved a solitary fist as far as I could into the hole between it’s two dicks.

And then there was stillness.

The carnage of the moment ground suddenly to a halt. The sharks jaws loosened, and Snake stood up away from the scene, gasping for air. Still elbow deep inside the fish, I felt a powerful sensation wash over me. I had taken an animal completely and without warning out of its biological routine, and given it real meaningful pleasure.

It was a moment, fleeting but beautiful, in which all three of us truly connected.

It’s eyes slowly rolled over white, then with that the largest load of shark-jizz that I have ever seen in my 32 years orbiting the sun, gushed into the river at break-neck speed. I reefed my arm out, and both Snake and I stood in the milky aftermath watching the shark slowly turn belly-up and sail downstream, smiling and dead.

You did God’s work, McGee, said Snake pressing down on his own wounds. Now let’s go get hammered….

12 Hours Later

The ice water splashed hard against my face, yanking me violently back into consciousness. Momster, staring disapprovingly down on my ass. Her lips pronounced words I would never hear, then she disappeared in back, leaving me to my worst self.

I was fucked, bombed and spread-eagled out on Snakes living room floor. Everything around me span like a carousel on cheap crack, and none of my limbs wanted to cooperate with this cruel new universe facing me.

What the fuck did you give this guy, she shouted to Snake, now fixing himself into a tuxedo in front of the nearby mirror. He’s useless to our game-plan at this point. Shit, if anything he’s a liability.

Don’t do him yet, Snake said. He’s loyal now, we can use that. Just get him dressed, we’re going to be late.

To state the obvious, being dressed by an Amazonian black chick, whilst rip-roared on alcohol, is a unique experience unto itself. Like a childhood retro-gradation, but with all the junk and hormones still intact.

They shoved me into a car and drove off towards the coast. This is all very mysterious I said casually, trying to sound sober and not too concerned about the situation.

We’re having a chin-wag with a business partner of mine, Snake said. He’s a straight flyer, could really help you out with your article. His name is Wayne. He’s been a big wheel in these parts for over 40 years, knows all the right people.

Sounds good to me, I said with a pang of terror running down my spine. You introduce me. I’ll say as little as possible. Less is more, baby.

It was twilight, when they parked at a local stretch of green land, and we transferred over to a small discreet motorboat tied up on a nearby dock. Cruising the waters by the purple light of the magic hour only brought more connotations of mystery and espionage to the whole rotten affair. Trees and greenery flanked us on all sides, throwing all sense of direction out the proverbial window. After several minutes of canned silence, broken only by the struggled wheeze of the boat engine, we came around a bend in the river and there it was; tucked away into the ancient overgrowth, a lantern-lit river-side mansion right out of a Joseph Conrad novel.

Don’t fall in the water here whatever you do, Snake said, as we glided toward the encroaching wooden dock. Wayne keeps gators under his land like a Bond villain. You’ll have about two seconds before some big bastard gets a hold of you and drags you to the bottom. And that’s all she wrote.

Don’t worry, I’m too cheap to die I said. Looking to me, mildly impressed by the rebuttal, he passed me a Modelo from his foam icebox.

In the porch, we could see the silhouette of a tall golem-like figure standing, watching us approach. Stay frosty, Momster muttered as quietly as possible as she tied us off and we stepped aboard. The figure came into the light, approaching Snake with a beaming smile and arms outstretched. He hugged the giant like a brother, slapping backs and laughing uncontrollably at some private in-joke.

I felt awkward, then the white-haired Goliath passed a shovel-sized hand my way. Welcome to Xanadu young man, he said. I am Wayne, you are the newcomer to the fold.

Absolutely I said smiling, ready to take my chances with the amphibian lizards beneath us. Good to meet you, I go by the name of Uilick. Sweet Jesus what a beautiful place you have.

He laughed as though I was pointing out the flaws of his impeccable homestead. Patting me hard on the back, he walked me up the dock and in to the dining gazebo area, complete with fire-pit and a fully stocked bar. This place had all the rhythms of a swingers party gone wrong. All around us, midgets with circular cocaine mirrors strapped to their heads roamed back and forth, offering bumps to the stratosphere and beyond. Low-key Caribbean music played incessantly, and a spent Mexican whore sat sloth-like in the darkest corner of the room, silent and immobile to the world around her.

We had ribs by candle-light as the cicadas filled the country air with insect song. Nobody broke eye-contact for so much as a second. Momster didn’t even touch her food; she just sat with both hands at a polite distance from her holsters. The air was electric with tension.

So tell me Uilick, Wayne boomed, how long have you been a Mason? The question sounded as awkward as it now reads, forced like from a bad script. As I went to speak, Snake interjected. He’s not fully in the door just yet. He’s new blood, we’re easing him in to things gradually.

Wayne nodded with a fresh look of concern now on his face. I assume you have taken all the necessary precautions, my friend. It would be tragic to see all our hard work go to waste over loose lips.

That’s why I brought him to you, so you could size his ass up. Snake looked to me. And execute him first hand if needs be. They stared each other down for a moment before bursting into ferocious laughter. I joined in. The conversation then shifted gears radically as the duo spoke on ever-rising tangential subjects. Domination of the global stock market. The price of guano in New Jersey. Replicating the exact conditions which produced the Aids virus.

I excused myself and headed for the bathroom, sobriety now creeping up behind me like Lady Death herself. A quick perusal of Wayne’s mirror cabinet showed every possible combination of narcotic imaginable. I knew there was no talking my way out of this jackpot; all I could do was stay as stupefied and twisted as humanly possible in the hopes that I bore them into submission and they no longer see any challenge or amusement in butchering me like a fat sow.

I took 2 of everything just like Noah, ran my fingers through a greasy head of hair, then stepped out into a scene cut straight from a 3am Hentai extravaganza. Wayne, now completely naked stood laughing uncontrollably in the open-plan kitchen with his 30 yard cock, coiled neatly at his feet. The Mexican whore crawled around the living room now on all floors with a goddamn horses bridle on her head. Sitting atop of her was Snake, now with a Bloody Mary in one hand, and a king-sized whip in the other.

All this while Momster sat at a bureau at the end of the hall signing stacks of papers and documents. It was clear as a bell that I had been spiked. Slipped the proverbial mickey. The next 36 hours would see Hellish renditions of all my worst fears and anxieties realised in pure Technicolor. Flop sweat, boiling paranoia and intense restrospective dread. Melting walls, talking shoes, and severed children’s arms, piled neatly in every corner of the building. Nothing would be omitted from the freakshow.

I barely noticed Momster cutting Wayne’s throat. She had done it so quickly and cleanly that even he didn’t believe all the blood was coming from him. It took him a solid five minutes to die. Snake, all the while stood at the kitchen island, hollowing out a radish with a corkscrew, then packing it with marijuana.

Make sure you take his dick, he said, sparking up. We’ll need it for religious purposes. Can’t be too careful. Momster looked to Wayne’s dick, then to Snake, then back to the dick.

That’s a lot of mass, she said flatly. Snake said nothing in return, he just took another toke and gave her a thumbs up.

It was my job to reel up the now-severed penis, and bag it up into a bin-liner. The place had been righteously trashed Old Testament style, with no possible way of remodelling it back to it’s former glory. By the time we left everything had been doused in piss.

Momster had taken a chainsaw to the walls and furniture, while Snake started dozens of micro-fires in every room. Wayne had been dragged by his ankles out to the docks and tossed into the water for his beloved smiling death-lizards to feast upon.

We had raped the place, like ancient Rome. Momster loaded up the boat with everything that wasn’t nailed down, while Snake comforted the whore. Finally we puttered away into the night like thieves, marauders of the foolish and trusting. We were barely five minutes down the river before I puked from guilt and confusion. Snake watched me wretch with a pale bemusement across his face.

This is your first rodeo, isn’t it? he asked, lowering the aviators down his nose. I said nothing. He grinned. Sucks to be you McGee. It only gets weirder from here.

We puttered on down the river. I knew I had hours to live. At best.