Mighty Moose: A Biography Part 1

The Mighty Moose was born when a beaver spilled a bottle of maple syrup on top of a Strange Brew DVD in 1811. The next year the Mighty Moose played a pivotal role in Canada (which was still called Corn Nuts, because it was still a British colony) and Britain’s defeat of the Americans in the War of 1812. During this time the Mighty Moose fucked Laura Second so hard that in the future a guy decided to name his chocolate and ice cream chain after her. Laura Second now sells the most disappointingly overpriced ice cream in all of the world.

After the war the Mighty Moose became a manager of the Toronto Dominion bank for a salary of 11 dollars a year, which is equal to 17 billion dollars today. During this time he settled down with Sarah Marshall, who would go on to great success in her movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall in 2008, roughly 150 years after their very public divorce.

The life span of a Mighty Moose is 1700 years and they can only be prematurely killed if a Canadian citizen eats a french fry without putting gravy on it first. Fortunately enough for the Moose that will never happen.

On the day Franz Ferdinand was shot Dr. McCoy told the Might Moose he was impotent, a diagnosis that he never believed. In an effort to prove the doctor wrong he decided to hop in his 1992 Chevy Caprice and find a woman that would bear his child. He tried Shania Twain and Avril Lavigne, but only ended up giving them both Lyme Disease. He eventually had to trade the Caprice in for a 2008 Malibou and he was never happy with the trade value Zack’s Auto Sales gave him.

To be continued