Pelosi Says House Will Continue to Hold On to Articles of Impeachment

TGONN – House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D., Calif.) said Thursday she would continue to hold on to the articles of impeachment, arguing “We only passed these Articles so that we can satisfy our moonbat constituents, such as the one’s in my very own district.”

Earlier in the day, a top House Democrat said Mrs. Pelosi should send the articles of impeachment to the Senate, despite the lack of guarantees of new witnesses and evidence sought by Democrats—only to reverse himself hours later after Pelosi threatened to ruin his political future Francis Underwood style. This means taking a wooden strap-on with splinters in the ass and then having video of it posted onto Pornhub.

“I misspoke this morning,” House Armed Services Chairman Adam Smith (D., Wash.) tweeted. “I need to learn my place, and my place is going along to get along. I like taking it in the ass as much as any other guy in my district, which covers the Greater Seattle metropolitan area. But the prospect of splinters in my ass has prompted me to rethink my stances on some issues.”