Uncle Steve and the Mask of Invincibility

So I went for a drive the other day…

Anyone who has gone anywhere in the past few months has noticed that everyone seems to be wearing face masks. It used to be that if you went into a hospital, you were given a face mask if you had a cough; this was to prevent YOU from giving YOUR COUGH to OTHER PEOPLE. If you did not have a cough, wearing a face mask was only cosmetic; it is a highly inefficient method of preventing you from getting a virus.

Planet Fitness.Ass

See, viruses get into you through your mouth and nose, but also your ears, eyes and other body openings. So while wearing a mask will protect your mouth and noseĀ  from airborne viruses, it does absolutely nothing for your eyes, ears, and specifically, your butthole. The mask only excels at keeping virus-laden droplets from exiting your mouth and nose (a good pair of skivvies keeps your doo-doo-hole viruses in). The CDC has not recommended eye protection or ear plugs, so they don’t feel the protection of these areas would affect the “curve,” or the statistical number of infected people that would cause the end of the world.


While driving on my journey to Wal Mart, I was forced to brake hard for a jackass making a left turn right in front of me. Said jackass was not texting, there was no snow pile or blizzard hindering her vision, she had no one else in the car to distract her. This woman was wearing a surgical mask, and one that was bigger than her tiny face could handle.


I don’t honk; horns are only to be used to let people know that you are horny, whilst fingers are to be used to show frustration while driving. Sadly, said jackass could not even see my truck while making her left turn, so I’m sure she missed the finger as well. The inclusion of the well maintained anti-lock brakes on the truck mean that there wasn’t even a stuttering screech make by the tires. I don’t think she even knew I was there.

Oh well, right? Our paths crossed, I yielded where I did not have to, and life goes on for both of us. Six fucking blocks later, and the exact same thing happens, this time a guy wearing a mask, with his female passenger, also wearing a mask. And neither one seemed to be aware of the Ford F150 that just slammed on the brakes to prevent them from becoming hamburger meat wearing surgical masks.

In case you didn’t know what a wrecked Ford looks like.

When driving in your car, you should not need to wear a mask. Sure, when you get to where you’re going, you probably need one, but only to prevent everyone around you from getting a virus YOU MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE. If you are riding in a car with someone, the odds are that you have already shared any number of viruses (corona and non-corona related), as well as bacteria only found in your poop. If you are a passenger, and wish to hide the fact that you are ugly, wear a fucking mask; that works. If you are driving a motor vehicle, TAKE THE FUCKING THING OFF! There is a higher chance of you dying driving around with a flimsy piece of paper covering part of your face than if you actually get the Corona Virus. And if you’re an Uber driver or the like, you are surely aware of the fact that you may or may not be hauling a sick person, but you will not get a “5 star review” if you get plowed by a fat redneck in a pickup truck.


There is a lesson to be learned from all of this. Anyone who drives a car needs to be adept in the martial art of defensive driving, just in case a lab in China sells a diseased bat to a food market.