It’s a century to the day since we shook hands with England and assumed we actually could run our own country. It’s been a pretty wild ride so far; plenty of ups and downs. Let’s take a cheeky meander through some recent Irish history.
1925
Mule technology sweeps the nation! Ireland gets its first batch of donkeys and mules, replacing the long-since-established child haulage services of the past. Skepticism mounts with detractors calling it a “4-Legged-Fad”.
1941
Bread prostitution becomes a war-time norm. Men not fit for service pass the time by paying obscene amounts of money to watch women eat loaf after loaf of yeasty goodness. Rampant masturbation sees rural populations plummet.
1962
John Lennon announces that The Beatles are bigger than Ireland. This causes serious fucking uproar, sending the entire Irish nation off into a Napoleonic complex. Sales of Beatles merchandise have yet to recover throughout the Republic.
1970 – 1980
Absolutely nothing happened in the North. Zero. Zilch. Very inactive, not terribly noteworthy. Moving right along…
1985
U2, Ireland’s single-largest collaboration of dickheads, achieve international success after basking in the glow of Bob Geldof’s Live Aid. The mid 80’s mark a time when the band become driven to highlight global poverty and inequality issues, all the while avoiding taxes and buying up hotels.
1990
Ballymena action guru Liam Neeson stars in “Darkman”. Darkman kicks ass. Go watch Darkman.
1995
Riverdance beomes a thing. For any of you who specialize in flooring I am so sorry that these tippy-tap assholes became as big as they did. They should have been a “one ‘n done” phenomenon. Fuck these guys.
2004
Broadband comes to Ireland! Bebo, Rotten.com, and Meatspin all poison our eyes; once a small island nation, Ireland is now spread-eagled up to the awesomeness of the information super-highway. Weirdness, beheadings and social media play out in premium fashion!
2016
Idiot fuck-boy Uilick McGee makes a fatal error and uploads a video titled “Hearts on Fire” onto a Disqus channel dubbed “The Force”. The moderator of this channel invites him to become an author on a wee small online entity that’s set to fuck the internet sideways for the foreseeable future. Chaos ensues.
Happy Birthday Ireland!
Please try to stay conscious.
