1899: Snake single-handedly starts a decade long skirmish in the Appalachian mountains after legally marrying a bear and fingering it to death. He later made a coat out of his wife.1987: Snake discovers time travel. Goes back to 1945 Germany and kills Hitler. Causes massive temporal repercussions. Fixes it by banging his mom and becoming his own dad.1989: Snake strikes the first blow against the infamous Berlin Wall. German unity is achieved. Snake starts banging desperately undersexed East German women. Hundreds of pregnancies ensue.1969: Snake takes to the stage at Woodstock and performs “The Dong-Spangled Banner”. The song is received poorly, and sours the whole festival for an entire generation.
